Humorous Interlude
Forming your new company and starting a business
can be a little stressful so we have designed the following
jokes page to offer a little light relief...
Adapted Quotes from
the Edinburgh Festival 2004.
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
(David O' Doherty at the Gilded Balloon)
A lady with a clipboard stopped
me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you
spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All
right, but we're not going to get much done." (Jimmy
Carr at the ICC)
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed
as a goat. (Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms)
You have to remember all the
trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually
you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Heck, I wasn't listening
... Self-raising?" (Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly
Rooms)
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into
a Supermarket and punched someone in the face. (Jeremy Limb,
at the Trap)
Cats have nine lives. Which
makes them ideal for experimentation. (Jimmy Carr)
My friend said to me: "You must be more American,"
so I went to have botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's
$8,000." I couldn't even look shocked. (Shazia Mirza
at the Pleasance)
I saw that show, 50 Things
To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one
was "Shout For Help". (Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert
at the Tron)
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went
along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. (Adrian Poynton
at the Pleasance)
A dog goes into a hardware
store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware
store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you
go join The circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what
would the circus want with a plumber". (Steven Alan
Green at C34)
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody
can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. (Demetri
Martin at the Assembly Rooms)
Walking down Princes Street,
soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign that said: "Bus
tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try...
What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus! (Seymour
Mace at Cafe Royal)
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud
"I've already got one!" (Norman Lovett at The
Stand)
The right to bear arms is slightly
less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. (Chris Addison
at the Pleasance)
50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
(Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance)
I was walking the streets of
Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door
is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think
I feel?" (Arnold Brown at The Stand)
A man walks into a Fish and Chip shop with
a fish under his arm, he asks the lady serving "do
you make Fish Cakes?". The lady replies "Yes sir!".
The man happily replies "Good, it's his birthday".
(SFS)
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More banter coming soon!
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