Forming your new company and starting a business can be a little stressful so we have designed the following jokes page to offer a little light relief...
Adapted Quotes from the Edinburgh Festival 2004.
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
(David O' Doherty at the Gilded Balloon)
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. (Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms)
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Heck, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?" (Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms)
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into a Supermarket and punched someone in the face. (Jeremy Limb, at the Trap)
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. (Jimmy Carr)
My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked. (Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance)
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". (Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron)
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. (Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance)
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join The circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber". (Steven Alan Green at C34)
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. (Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms)
Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try... What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus! (Seymour Mace at Cafe Royal)
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!" (Norman Lovett at The Stand)
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. (Chris Addison at the Pleasance)
50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p. (Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance)
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" (Arnold Brown at The Stand)
A man walks into a Fish and Chip shop with a fish under his arm, he asks the lady serving "do you make Fish Cakes?". The lady replies "Yes sir!". The man happily replies "Good, it's his birthday". (SFS)
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